Thursday, May 03, 2007
Advice to a teenage girl
I've got a niece who is about to head into high school, and though I'm confident her parents have had the "boys and sex" conversation with her, I'm hoping to also anonymously provide some guidance on the realities of the dating world - and I'm confident the wit and experience of my blogging friends can help!
Here's what I got so far:
* There is a 1 in 200 chance that the boy you fall in love with in high school will be the one you marry
* A boy will really do or say anything to get sex between 15 and 18 (no need to tell her that this will continue most of the rest of his life)
* You will truly fall in love every 9 years of your life
* Every relationship has a few turning points: 1st time you kiss; 1st time you have sex; 10th time you have sex; 3 months into it; 3.9 years into it; 9 years
* What you think you need in a partner now will change every year of your life, or as long as you continue to learn about people and society and about yourself
* Between the ages of 20 and 30, you will be asked about the "first time you had sex". Think about that - want to be able to tell the truth or have to fabricate a lie?
* Most girls are curious about other girls - there's absolutely nothing wrong with that
* If you start to head down a path that doesn't feel comfortable, stop it at any point. I know this is difficult, but do it and be ok with it.
* It's difficult to gauge once you've started drinking/drugs, but they can absolutely affect the decisions you make when you're with a boy. Understand the consequences before you start.
* The boy you really like may be into "blondes" or "really skinny girls" or "big boobs" -- that means he's not interested in the right things. Don't change for anyone.
* This is a difficult one, as only experience can really guide you, but sometimes in life, no matter how much you like/love someone, they may just not be that into you, and you will not be able to change that no matter what you do.
* Date people really close to your age. Every year at this point in your life means a LOT more than it does later in life. Don't try to grow up too fast in the dating world. And yes, you are ALWAYS going to think you are more experienced and knowledgeable than your age.
New from friendly bloggers:
* BTC: If the boy has trouble making friends or has no friends, he'll have trouble making a relationship work. (Got to learn how to walk before one can run.)
* BTC: You can give too much in the name of love and have it not pay off, so don't lose yourself to become a martyr.
* BTC: There's a reason for the term boyFRIEND. Make sure he's like one/some of your friends. If your true friends hate him, heed the red flag.
* LNB: Don't run after a guy if he walks away from you.
That's all I got so far. I just know you all can help!
-SGB ¶ 7:33 AM
Here's what I got so far:
* There is a 1 in 200 chance that the boy you fall in love with in high school will be the one you marry
* A boy will really do or say anything to get sex between 15 and 18 (no need to tell her that this will continue most of the rest of his life)
* You will truly fall in love every 9 years of your life
* Every relationship has a few turning points: 1st time you kiss; 1st time you have sex; 10th time you have sex; 3 months into it; 3.9 years into it; 9 years
* What you think you need in a partner now will change every year of your life, or as long as you continue to learn about people and society and about yourself
* Between the ages of 20 and 30, you will be asked about the "first time you had sex". Think about that - want to be able to tell the truth or have to fabricate a lie?
* Most girls are curious about other girls - there's absolutely nothing wrong with that
* If you start to head down a path that doesn't feel comfortable, stop it at any point. I know this is difficult, but do it and be ok with it.
* It's difficult to gauge once you've started drinking/drugs, but they can absolutely affect the decisions you make when you're with a boy. Understand the consequences before you start.
* The boy you really like may be into "blondes" or "really skinny girls" or "big boobs" -- that means he's not interested in the right things. Don't change for anyone.
* This is a difficult one, as only experience can really guide you, but sometimes in life, no matter how much you like/love someone, they may just not be that into you, and you will not be able to change that no matter what you do.
* Date people really close to your age. Every year at this point in your life means a LOT more than it does later in life. Don't try to grow up too fast in the dating world. And yes, you are ALWAYS going to think you are more experienced and knowledgeable than your age.
New from friendly bloggers:
* BTC: If the boy has trouble making friends or has no friends, he'll have trouble making a relationship work. (Got to learn how to walk before one can run.)
* BTC: You can give too much in the name of love and have it not pay off, so don't lose yourself to become a martyr.
* BTC: There's a reason for the term boyFRIEND. Make sure he's like one/some of your friends. If your true friends hate him, heed the red flag.
* LNB: Don't run after a guy if he walks away from you.
That's all I got so far. I just know you all can help!
-SGB ¶ 7:33 AM
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* A boy will really do or say anything to get sex between 15 and 18 (no need to tell her that this will continue most of the rest of his life)
I must have met weird guys. Actually I've had two guys I had to literally beg for sex, because they had a special idea of it.
* You will truly fall in love every 9 years of your life
I've fallen in love meaningfully much more often than that, and I'm only 22. But I grant you that well, the first guys I believed to be in love with, I was not.
* Every relationship has a few turning points: 1st time you kiss; 1st time you have sex; 10th time you have sex; 3 months into it; 3.9 years into it; 9 years
Funnily, very true... Haven't checked the 9 years though!
* What you think you need in a partner now will change every year of your life, or as long as you continue to learn about people and society and about yourself
Very very VERY true.
* Between the ages of 20 and 30, you will be asked about the "first time you had sex". Think about that - want to be able to tell the truth or have to fabricate a lie?
I don't get that.
* If you start to head down a path that doesn't feel comfortable, stop it at any point. I know this is difficult, but do it and be ok with it.
That's a very important, yet long to learn peace of advice. Being able to say no is not that easy...
* It's difficult to gauge once you've started drinking/drugs, but they can absolutely affect the decisions you make when you're with a boy. Understand the consequences before you start.
Yep. Use every drug you try with moderation. Don't have sex when seriously drunk/on drugs.
* Date people really close to your age. Every year at this point in your life means a LOT more than it does later in life. Don't try to grow up too fast in the dating world.
What if you know a lot for your age? I've always been dating older guys. They were just more mature and more into me.
~Len
I must have met weird guys. Actually I've had two guys I had to literally beg for sex, because they had a special idea of it.
* You will truly fall in love every 9 years of your life
I've fallen in love meaningfully much more often than that, and I'm only 22. But I grant you that well, the first guys I believed to be in love with, I was not.
* Every relationship has a few turning points: 1st time you kiss; 1st time you have sex; 10th time you have sex; 3 months into it; 3.9 years into it; 9 years
Funnily, very true... Haven't checked the 9 years though!
* What you think you need in a partner now will change every year of your life, or as long as you continue to learn about people and society and about yourself
Very very VERY true.
* Between the ages of 20 and 30, you will be asked about the "first time you had sex". Think about that - want to be able to tell the truth or have to fabricate a lie?
I don't get that.
* If you start to head down a path that doesn't feel comfortable, stop it at any point. I know this is difficult, but do it and be ok with it.
That's a very important, yet long to learn peace of advice. Being able to say no is not that easy...
* It's difficult to gauge once you've started drinking/drugs, but they can absolutely affect the decisions you make when you're with a boy. Understand the consequences before you start.
Yep. Use every drug you try with moderation. Don't have sex when seriously drunk/on drugs.
* Date people really close to your age. Every year at this point in your life means a LOT more than it does later in life. Don't try to grow up too fast in the dating world.
What if you know a lot for your age? I've always been dating older guys. They were just more mature and more into me.
~Len
A boy who pressures you to have sex even though you have said "NO" doesn't love you or respect you no matter what he says to try and convince you.
Walk away as fast as you can.
Once you are out of high school people have a high respect for people who have chosen to remain a virgin. No one will make fun of you for it. A lot of people will admire you.
Walk away as fast as you can.
Once you are out of high school people have a high respect for people who have chosen to remain a virgin. No one will make fun of you for it. A lot of people will admire you.
If the boy has trouble making friends or has no friends, he'll have trouble making a relationship work. (Got to learn how to walk before one can run.)
You can give too much in the name of love and have it not pay off, so don't lose yourself to become a martyr.
There's a reason for the term boyFRIEND. Make sure he's like one/some of your friends. If your true friends hate him, heed the red flag.
You can give too much in the name of love and have it not pay off, so don't lose yourself to become a martyr.
There's a reason for the term boyFRIEND. Make sure he's like one/some of your friends. If your true friends hate him, heed the red flag.
Don't run after a guy if he walks away from you.
(I'm guilty of that. So I know it has never worked.)
(I'm guilty of that. So I know it has never worked.)
There will be lots of men in the future so... learn to be confident as a person and a woman. Don't put off doing what you want to do to wait for him to call. Do not loose yourself in being a couple or in him... you are your own person.
Let's see. What would I wish the 16 year old VB knew???
1. don't have a boyfriend in high school or college. 99% of the guys you meet at these times in your life will either break your heart, get you into trouble or take away from fun times with friends. just date casually.
2. you can't change bad kissing. it's genetic, I think. if they can't kiss, run.
3. rarely, if ever, give a guy a 2nd chance to make it up to you. why are you dating a guy who is ok with disappointing you? value yourself!
4. want to know how a guy's going to treat you? watch how he treats his mom, his sister and waitresses.
5. your mom hates the guy? that's a big red flag. dump him before you realize what a jerk he is the hard way.
6. don't be fooled by "smoke and mirrors" guys. They make all these romantic gestures (send you flowers, take you to expensive dinners, buy you jewelry, etc) right off the bat. they are doing this to hide the fact that they are assholes. eventually, the facade comes down. if a guy seems too good to be true, he probably is.
this is a good list, SGB. i don't know about falling in love every 9 years, though. i dated for a looong time before ever falling in love. ever since then, i've fallen in love with almost every guy i've dated. i know myself well enough now that i can tell if there is love potential by about the 2nd date. if it's not there, i don't waste my time.
i would like to add that for me, 6 months is sort of a make-or-break period in my relationships. we either date for a long time, or we break up at 6 months.
that part you said about how what you want from a partner changing all the time? DEAD. ON. wow, that is so true. when i was a teen, i'd date anything that wore pants. now, the list of qualifications is pretty long.....
that's also excellent advice about feeling ok with stopping mid-stream and saying no. i think every girl has to do that at some point. it's important to know that is an option. and not to let the guy give you a hard time about it.
and as far as ages are concerned, in high school, you really shouldn't go more than 2 years older. once in college, you can do 3. after college, i'd say stick to no more than 7 years older until you turn 25. then it's fair game. you're smart enough by 25 to know what the hell your're doing. hopefully.
rachel brings up a classic piece of advice. it's soooooo true.
ok, that's all i got on this one...excellent post.
1. don't have a boyfriend in high school or college. 99% of the guys you meet at these times in your life will either break your heart, get you into trouble or take away from fun times with friends. just date casually.
2. you can't change bad kissing. it's genetic, I think. if they can't kiss, run.
3. rarely, if ever, give a guy a 2nd chance to make it up to you. why are you dating a guy who is ok with disappointing you? value yourself!
4. want to know how a guy's going to treat you? watch how he treats his mom, his sister and waitresses.
5. your mom hates the guy? that's a big red flag. dump him before you realize what a jerk he is the hard way.
6. don't be fooled by "smoke and mirrors" guys. They make all these romantic gestures (send you flowers, take you to expensive dinners, buy you jewelry, etc) right off the bat. they are doing this to hide the fact that they are assholes. eventually, the facade comes down. if a guy seems too good to be true, he probably is.
this is a good list, SGB. i don't know about falling in love every 9 years, though. i dated for a looong time before ever falling in love. ever since then, i've fallen in love with almost every guy i've dated. i know myself well enough now that i can tell if there is love potential by about the 2nd date. if it's not there, i don't waste my time.
i would like to add that for me, 6 months is sort of a make-or-break period in my relationships. we either date for a long time, or we break up at 6 months.
that part you said about how what you want from a partner changing all the time? DEAD. ON. wow, that is so true. when i was a teen, i'd date anything that wore pants. now, the list of qualifications is pretty long.....
that's also excellent advice about feeling ok with stopping mid-stream and saying no. i think every girl has to do that at some point. it's important to know that is an option. and not to let the guy give you a hard time about it.
and as far as ages are concerned, in high school, you really shouldn't go more than 2 years older. once in college, you can do 3. after college, i'd say stick to no more than 7 years older until you turn 25. then it's fair game. you're smart enough by 25 to know what the hell your're doing. hopefully.
rachel brings up a classic piece of advice. it's soooooo true.
ok, that's all i got on this one...excellent post.
More posts please! I just came across your blog, and I'm super-intrigued. I wanna read more. Clearly, you're busy. But you have a new fan from the right coast!
also.... boys will often act one way around you and treat you completely differently around his friends. he's an idiot. lol
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